Top Ten Ways to Get and Keep Twitter Followers

  1. Any time you need to promote something, send an @ to everyone you’re following. It’s best if you send it to three or more names at a time so they know it’s a personal message.
  2. Bitch at people who unfollow you. That’ll guilt-trip them into following you again, and this time they’ll think twice about leaving.
  3. Only RT messages that say something cool about yourself. I mean, the people already following you probably have no idea just how awesome you are.
  4. Pay for a bunch of follow-bots. Nothing says “this guy’s obviously somebody” like a huge follower list full of names like “@Jenny039847”.
  5. Constantly beg for people to RT your self-promoting tweets. Charities and causes can fend for themselves, but your new self-made hip-hop video on YouTube totally needs to go viral, like, now.
  6. Bitch about people you know, but keep it just vague enough that only they (and everyone else) know you’re bitching about them.
  7. Use symbols and ASCII art to draw attention to your tweets. Why waste 140 characters with actual content when “★ⓕⓞⓛⓛⓞⓦ AND GAIN★═INTRODUCING╬►” doubles the readability? (And triples the awesome!)
  8. Change your twitter icon to support a cause. ‘Cause, you know, that totally helps feed those hungry orphans. (Protip: If your icon is still green, Iranian dissidents can totally feel your support.)
  9. That little book full of inspirational quotes your boss has had on his desk since the 80’s? Content gold mine.
  10. Read the latest “How to Get and Keep Twitter Followers” list from some social media douchebag and follow every item to the letter. If everyone does it at the same time, nobody will ever know you’re following a system instead of actually talking to people.
  • I had an absolutely awesome one (yet again) just the other day that should be on this list.

    RT every single tweet that has your Twitter handle in it, because it has to be of importance to everyone following you, even if it was just a one word reply to something you asked someone else

  • Re: #2 I only bitch at you when you re-follow me after unfollowing me. 😛

    • Ha! Yeah, that wasn’t directed at you, it was more at the idiots who use an auto-messager to harass people who unfollow them. And is usually a good sign that I shouldn’t be following them in the first place.

      • I know you weren’t, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I wasn’t bitching. Cause I don’t bitch, bitch. 😛

      • I know you weren’t, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I wasn’t bitching. Cause I don’t bitch, bitch. 😛

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