Bio #6: Crime and Funishment

Matthew Ebel was born young.

After a rapid maturation, and to the amazement only of those who knew him, he graduated from Our Lady of the Bleeding Knuckle elementary school at age 7, and then again at age 10. He then enrolled in Moositavia High School, home of the Fighting Meese.

He discovered his penchant for making beautiful sounds while underwater, and also met Sparkalia Genovese, with whom he fell in love. The two married the day after their high school graduation, which unfortunately was the same day Sparkalia had to return to her home planet, Vecnar VII. This broke Ebel’s heart so much that after he entered into the University of Aleutia, he turned to a life of crime.

He impressed both his professors and local law enforcement alike by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, a 3.0 BAL, and a snazzy afro while running the crime syndicate known as Dem Boids. No single crime group caused as much pain and devastation, nor planted as many lilacs, as Dem Boids. After robbing several banks, an ice cream truck, two lemonade stands, and your grandmother, as well as having planted several decidedly beautiful gardens (one even with a lily pad), the members of Dem Boids were arrested.

The seventeen members of the crime ring were all forced to join the ice capades as punishment for their infamous crimes (appeals are still pending). Matthew Ebel served the maximum prison sentence available under Canadia law, four weeks in a luxury spa, and was then released. Still with no path for his life to take, Ebel, turned to corporate espionage and petty vandalism. This former led to the spat between Hall and Oates, and latter to the fall of Communist Russia.

Matthew Ebel was only recently re-released from prison after “The Listerine and Air Force One Incident”. He has now turned over a new leaf and is leaving his destructive tendencies behind to focus on his true loves- making bonsai kittens and music. No longer merely satisfied with his ability to beebop while underwater, Matthew Ebel has created several albums chock full of surprisingly good music, the kind of music you’ll share with your great-grandchildren some day whilst sipping on a mint julep and telling them about the good old days of yore.

Tragically, Ebel died from a Listerine overdose two minutes ago. All album proceeds will go to the Matthew Ebel Didn’t Really Fake His Death trust fund.

Bio by James Rabiola & Matthew Ebel

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