It’s Christmas travel season and I’m going to see my family back in WA this year. For lack of an intergalactic starship, I get to wedge myself into a tiny steel tube with a few hundred flu carriers for an entire day. Even better, I get to catch a 3:15 AM shuttle to do it. This, my friends, is traveling rock-star class.

I could play this one of two ways- stay up all night drinking and partying and show up at Logan International looking like Keith Richards and smelling like the fat Elvis, or I could try and get some sleep (and fail), wake up at 2:30, and show up at Logan looking like Keith Richards and smelling like the dead Elvis. Either way, I’ll be a rolling stone walking through a digital strip-search with my shoes on a conveyor belt.

On a side note, I’m still waiting for the day someone tries to blow up a plane with explosive pants. Then the TSA will get to strip us down to our underwear and hilarity will ensue right up until we the people stop putting up with this shit.

Anyway, I digress. I have choices before me, either one leaving me like the walking dead. I would pay good money for the ability to sleep on airplanes, but being 8 feet tall makes that pretty much impossible. I’ll be curled up into the fetal position in American Airlines’ Proletariat Class sucking on bad coffee, immune-system-boosting placebos, and thanking God that I don’t have to take the train or the bus across the country.

Merry Christmas and safe travels to all of you. Trust me, it’s worth it.