Dear President Obama,

If you haven’t already enlisted Jon Stewart and P.J. O’Rourke to become cabinet-level advisers, please consider it. P.J. just made a hell of a lot more sense on a comedy show than you did explaining why I now own 60% of General Motors.

The reason we’ve always had a love affair with big, strong, powerful cars is simple: They represent a fantasy, a virility, that mortal men simply do not possess. It’s the same reason idiots buy tigers as pets.

So please, Mr. President, instead of purchasing a company that has ignored common sense and built bigger, more gas-sucking (and generally sucking) scrap heaps, can we purchase something that will reinstate our vicarious virility? To belabor the sex-appeal analogy, buying GM is like getting a boob job for an 80-year-old woman.

Why can’t we make Tesla Motors our new girlfriend? They’re not just an American car company, they’re making electric vehicles sexy. Like 0-60 in under 4 seconds sexy. Like fast enough to tear your clothes off but quiet enough not to scare the neighborhood sexy. In fact, I have only one question:

Which would cost the taxpayers more?

1. Paying for GM to design better cars, retool all of its factories to make better cars, wait while they take the time to make a new fleet of cars, and then hope they can actually sell enough of those cars to become profitable again.
2. Pay for Tesla to hire most of the old GM employees and subsidize battery costs for cars they’re already making and selling right now.

I await your answer, Mr. President. Whether or not we’d see any short-term profit from owning most of Tesla, I can guarantee we’d redefine what American car enthusiasts see as “sex appeal”. This is the new girlfriend we need, and she smells a lot prettier than her predecessor.

Sincerely,
Matthew Ebel
Taxpayer

Update: Apparently Tesla IS getting some money from the bailout.

The electric bike has become a regular part of life for me now… but repetitive jolts to the hindquarters don’t have to be.

The Myxercycle was made possible by the folks over at Myxer. Go with it!

If you want to try one of these bike kits, check ‘em out over at electricrider.com

Any time you’re riding a vehicle of any kind, safety should come first. There’s no point to saving the planet if you’re not going to be around to enjoy it.

The Myxercycle was made possible by the folks over at Myxer. Go with it!

If you want to try one of these bike kits, check ‘em out over at electricrider.com

Everywhere I go I get funny looks. People also seem to be interested in the bike, too.

The Myxercycle was made possible by the folks over at Myxer. Go with it!

If you want to try one of these bike kits, check ‘em out over at electricrider.com

So now I have a pile of high-tech parts. How easy will it be to turn a street bicycle into an electric vehicle?

The Myxercycle was made possible by the folks over at Myxer. Go with it!

I mention Sheldon Brown in this video as well. Sheldon is the quintessential bike nerd with all kinds of helpful articles on bike maintenance. If it can be done, he’s got a procedure for you to read through. Believe me, it’s a lot easier than working on your car.

If you want to try one of these bike kits, check ‘em out over at electricrider.com